The Are No Dogs Allowed Here

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"

Five men bragging about the intelligence of their dogs. The first is to engineer, the second counter, the third chemical, computer expert the fourth and the fifth largest public employee.
To show off, the engineer called his dog:

"Squadron. Do your stuff".

Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that this was almost unbelievable.

But the accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and commanded:

"Form, do your stuff".

Form went to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the chemist said his dog could do better.

"Measure, do your stuff". Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took a 1 / 4 pint of milk, grabbed a glass and filled it completely medium milk without spilling a drop.

All agreed that this was very impressive.

The computer expert he knew he could win them all.

"Hard Disk, do it!".

Hard Drive crossed the room and Bute the computer, checked if it has viruses, improved operating system, sent an e-mail, and installed a great little game and novel.

Everyone knew that this was very difficult to overcome.

Then the four men looked at the public employee and said:

" 'What can your dog?".

A public employee called his dog and said:

"Rest, do your, boy!"

Rest is jumped up, ate the cookies, took the milk, erased all the files on the computer, sexually molested four other dogs, claimed that in doing so had hurt his back, filed a complaint alleging unsanitary conditions work, demanded higher wages for workers and went home on sick leave for 6 months.

The girl and the bitch in heat


A girl asks her mother if you can take a walk the dog. rnLa mother asked to talk to your father who is working in the garage, because he believes the dog is in heat and could be dangerous. The child obeys and asks his father, who responds, good - but like the dog this enrncelo will pass a little gas down the back to reduce the odor and not to tempt the dogs. This done, the girl put a leash on the dog and part of her home with her. Half an hour later the girl comes back with the leash in his hand and asks the father alarmed by the dog. She answers: - It is out of gas down the street and there is a very friendly dog who brings pushing

He was a man walking along the beach, suddenly raised his eyes to heaven and with all the devotion he could, asked God to grant him a wish. God took pity at seeing him.
Ask and ye shall receive, "said a voice from above.
Look God, I have a girlfriend who lives in Spain, I live in Mallorca and I have trouble going to see her? You could build me a bridge linking the islands to the mainland?
That you ask me, "replied God, is a very materialistic. It would have to erect concrete pillars that desecrate my oceans. You should use hundreds of tons of iron and asphalt, reflects my son, ask me something I'm honored and glorified. To which the man replied:
I have been divorced three times, I would like to have the gift of listening to women, understand, know why they say no when they mean yes and vice versa, what they mean when they are silent, why cry for no reasons, What is the secret to making one woman happy?
God from on high cleared his throat and answered his wish with a question:
And how many lanes you say you want the bridge?

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

I don't know any jokes about dogs unfortunately and I don't want to google one but I just wanted to say that I did enjoy these jokes.

lol